Still....

With every passing minute the time seems to be going back,

It's like nothing has been learnt so far.

You still trust the same people who had made a fool of you,

You still commit the same mistakes,

You still expect from people who never did you good,

You still become too ambitious and hard on yourself,

You still fall in love after being held to ground,

You still are friends with people who cussed you,

You still dream of the sky and forget to enjoy Earth,

You still think about the future and loose the present,

You still cry on what you never achieved, but you never worked for it,

You still let people make you feel inferior,

You still let people take you for granted as you cant change your heart,

You still compare yourself to the people above you, but you forget you are better than many,

You still crave to meet new people and make new friends, forgetting the one existing in your life,

You urge to get a companion, not knowing the only companion for you is you,

You still talk and you do nothing- a hypocrite,

What you learnt goes backwards, whats the point of growing anyways.

Scars

Burned to the core... with every word with every action with every second
Still the craving for more
Lost are the words when people say' learn from your mistakes'
At a level you burn because you like it, it doesn't hurt anymore
until its too late and the scars stay!

The tears wet the eyes, soaking the seas of sorrow
unending black 'w'hole of hollowness and emptiness
eyes red not of hatred but of agony for making a mistake when the result stood affront all the time
sometimes desire and passion blocks your conscious
until its too late and the scars stay!

Second turns to minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades
the pain still remains not as much as it was, as time is a good healer
what remains are the great memories and a thought
what if it was the wrong decision, if it wasn't taken would life be better
here is the time to control the emotions,
or the scars will never go!

'SWEET NOTHING'

I stumbled upon a song while a random song search, it was surely a sweet surprise. I am not big a fan of both the artists Calvin Harris and Florence Welch, but their single 'Sweet Nothing' is surely something. But this time we will take a totally opposite route to understand a broken heart. Its about not the person whose heart gets broken its about the dilemma and pain of the person who brakes the heart (the culprit in many eyes).

A breakup is so easy for the person who gets dumped, its like 'Oh!! chuck it s/he is unlucky not to have me. Whats my fault they were demanding and they didn't like me; I wasn't the one who dumped them. I am the nice person here.' They get all the sympathy and the one who dumps take all the toll and half the people don't know why the dumper took that decision, and maybe the dumper was right this time.

'Sweet Nothing' describes the hollowness and the pain of the so called dumper. Well dumper is a relatively new term so please recognize it as the one who dumps their signification other and the dumped not used as a action word is also used as describing the dumped significant other.

Sweet nothing is the term used for the most bitter taste in the world. When the dumper dumps the dumped, it may seem that they did it for the better or they were happy making that decision. This is an absolutely wrong thing to say!!! The dumper is always in the dilemma if s/he made the right decisions. The past passions haunt the dumper and sometimes the good does get heavier then the bad. Then What??? Can the dumper go back but they can't. The sweet nothing implies that the dumper dumped for the better, but the dumper doesn't know what they are actually feeling. They are sad and they don't trust anyone. They can't tell anyone how they feel because no one sees them as a victim and always treat them as the one who betrayed. 
These thoughts suffocates you much, you feel like your heart is chewed by a roaring bear, trying to pound out even a seconds heart beat left in it. With these 5 words that said 'we can't be together anymore' the dumpers life comes to an end. It makes you feel hollow with whispers my fragments of your soul saying you are making this decision wrong and fast. With such a trauma even atheist would start praying to an element in the periodical table like to Lord Manganese. Putting your faith on something someone unknown helps you not to blame yourself, for felling that nothingness that embodies your eyes. It becomes hard to learn from your mistakes and it becomes harder to love again. The dumped doesn't put any blame on him/herself so its easy for them to move one while the dumper sulks in its own glory, ego, decision and wants.

For the dumper its tougher to let things go and not the dumped. The dumper takes in all the abuses, curses and blames of the dumped- thinking that its their fault and not the dumped. This makes them feel more chocked and insecure. This makes them feel hung as they haven't taken out their true feelings. This feeling of being in a cage of thoughts eats away their heart. The dumpers heart is always empty, un-learned, not understood and hence in more pain.

This songs goes to all the people on the other side of the relationship. Enjoy the song!!

Nai subah ki koshish

Dekhte hi dekhte asmaan peela padh gaya

Jab dekha dhyaan se to vo meri parchai thi
Dekhte hi dekhte paani ka rang laal ho gaya
Jab dekha dhyaan se to vo meri tanhai thi

Jab dekha khud ko ayine main to sulakh ke palke zameen pe giri
Gaalon ne mere aasuon ko sahara dene se mana kar dia
Mere hathon ne meri chaati ko peetne se mana kar dia
Mere peron ne mere shareer ko thikana na dia
Mera shareer dhabak apni zameen to talashne niche gira

Azaadi dene se mere bhagwaan ne usse mana kar dia
Mere paas jaane ko kahin nahi
Maine bhi ye sochna chorr
Zindagi jeene ka rasta dhundana shuru kar diya!!
 

ALL THE ROWBOATS.... Regina Spektor

I just don't know when I was this addicted to a song... I have kept this song on my phones repeat and repeat list. From getting up in the morning putting the head phones in my ears and going got the loo to playing it while traveling to office to putting it on while working to sharing to every person i know with a decent taste of music and again sleeping with this song not only in my ears but in my heart.

The song may be released in 2011 the so called modern era of pop, rap and R & B, but it represents Neoclassicism. When Aristotle said tragedy is the only true form of Literature he was right. It’s like Regina studied a lot of Dante, Shakespeare, Wilde, and Coleridge before writing this piece.

  

The album's name is 'what we saw form the cheap seats', well I don't think they were cheap but surely were intelligent. In this song Regina brings a meaning alive of the clichéd framed picture that everyone in this world owns or have tried their hands on imitating that frame- the frames of row boats in the sea lonely and quite waiting for someone to set them free.

Regina has painted a picture that of row boats that want to row away but are struck. Its equal to the shackles that society has built for us and like the boats in gold frames the society has also glorified those shackles and given them the name of life or societal norms. And enforced these norms on us n the way that we think a thousand time to even think to try break them, like the row boats keep trying but can’t get their way so do we.

Then she talks about sculptures that are present in a glorified form in front of us to touch to feel and to be in awe of their perfection. She tells how violins are the instrument of the classy and its music is one of a kind. So to save it they shut it in glass coffins and they want to come out but they can’t as they are too precious and like this they cough till the want of their freedom dies within them. We as humans are the same. We work and we work hard to achieve being the best in the world that we leave friends, family and life behind. But when we achieve something we are put in boxes by people who we were trying to leave behind. They put us in frames try to seek perfection in us and to satisfy their hunger we turn to what we are not. We cough on the unrealistic expectations on us and finally we die in the hole created by us for our survival. How the people who are famous are the ones who are the loneliest. We become famous to gather praise and friends but the ironic part is when we get fame we lose trust and hence lose any close human relationship.

In the end all these lively things with a purpose end with explanatory sentences on their tombstones in the museums, that say how great they are but they themselves know that they never lived to their potential as they never fought back to break those shackles.

Enjoy the song as I have:  :)

Change- The thin line between cowardice and Fear

It just invokes curiosity in me how people change when they get a relationship. You one just completely changes for the greater good of their significant other- even if they turn completely unhappy which eventually backfires and you will get into more fights, more sobs, which you release finally is not worth it.
But!!!! a big but (BUTT) you will still stick to them come what may, in the most vehement way with a never ending confusion in your mind of not how to resolve the problem but if you leave this person with you right now, will you get another in time and will they accept you.

The thin line that called chnage the small babay step we need to take towards happiness is not easy. Th reason behind it??? its our cowardice which we hide in the sense of self pity and we term as being fearful to loose the person. The truth is we just don't want to break the routine we are addicted to. The Industrial Revolution has made our life so monotonous that we have nothing to do in life but to go to office and come back home, on the weekends seeing a movie or roaming around in the mall makes us feel complete which is utter nonsense. This kind of lifestyle has actually ruined our generation and our future is no less then hell, but as we say 'jab tak chalta hai chalate jao'.This is the reason change scares us even if we are unhappy in our current situation.
We are in habit of the same person day in and day out, who is self trained to our likes, dislikes and routines. We are scared of letting a new person in, the questions arises- What is the new person is a weirdo? what if this person is totally different fro me? (hello if the current wasn't you wouldn't be thinking about another person on the first place) What if the person totally dislikes me if he knows the real me? (WOW... this one is a keeper for you have no self esteem). The result of this cowardice is- a) a drawer full on medicines for cold, cough, fever, cervical, migraine pains. b) Washing machine full of dirty towels and hankies of long lasting sobbing and phlegm.
The problem is we ourselves are the one who like to cry and crib and like to be dictated. We our sick of making life decision, we are sick of heading towards a new direction failing and coming back that we left all hope. So when a person tell us to do this and to do that we have a hollow sense of achievement after getting the fake pat on out back. 

Mediocre

I thought I was different
But I was wrong,

I thought I can bring change
But I was wrong,

I thought I could stop cries
But I was wrong,

I thought I could change perspectives
But I was wrong,

I thought I was there to help
But I was wrong,

Today I know- I am NOT different from other people
I still fear loneliness, I still suffer from greed,
My needs manipulate my wants
and my journey stops with the sight of selfishness, the lust of unnecessary social norms,

Today I feel I expected a lot from me and I failed
Today I feel mediocre and now i know that no one is different
Today I broke myself, and I freed myself of unrealistic expectations!!! 

Murder!!

I want to KILL
I want to BLEED
I want to call SATAN
Sometimes in anger I see myself stabbing some to death
The call if the devil inspires me to use the weapon and screech the call to moon from my enraged guts 
and let dawn prevail in earth forever
I want black splurged with red
splurged with blood
I want red splurged in blue
splurged in soul!!

Listen To?

Have you ever felt that people are trying to live your life for you?

Dictate you actions,

See your steps as immature,

Judge your decisions,

They can be genuinely concerned but its harsh to see that you can’t live your life on your own terms sometimes.

Telling you!!

Who to meet, who to talk, who to love, who to hate, what to do, what’s the barriers, what’s the limit and sometimes tell you who the hell are you??

Listening to them, abiding to them- you feel at the back of your mind  that what you are trying to do is not wrong either!!

It’s beautiful and you want to take that step ahead but still you control but your coming days are doomed in frustration.

World is not a pretty place, please keep your guards up but still open the gates to fool people.

This hypocrisy is what I don’t understand. Over protective you are to tell you care but still you want your work to be done.

‘Convenience’ id the word that matters in today’s world not lover.

 I respect you but your caution for me disgusts me and the anger pours like boiling lava,

I am traumatized not doing what I want to not saying what I feel like, humanity is created another Frankenstein and I say NO to succumb to it.

I am suffocated and I am party dead! 

The Rape Diary

Day One: I woke up screaming and I felt blood flowing from my body, and I woke up again and there was nothing.
Day Two: The police tried to touch me on my ass my stomach my belly my arms in the cover of investigation.
Day Three: My case was filed and I was forced to recall everything and give a statement the next day.
Day Four: I remembered men abusing me, forcing me, tearing me off, pushing me, the movement is still in my head like my mother still remembers me in her stomach. I went speechless.
Day Five: The female officer told me to speak up or those maniacs go loose. Again I told them how I was abducted and raped. I made them see the scars on my back, arms and legs but not on my soul. Everyone was giving me condolences but they didn't knew what I went through and I wish no one does.
Day six: I went to the police station for final queries and I saw officers reading my notes and having a laugh. My misery was giving many men physical pleasure and laughter this made me sick and I was puking the disgust on my heart through the bile in my body against these cannibals who were eating my body piece by piece with every look they set on me.
Day 90: I was in the court still miserable looking at my parent’s sullen faces seeing me on the podium not as an abandoned woman but a girl who no one will marry and will sit on their heads forever. My molester standing in front of me and his eyes were piercing through me and that very moment I laid naked on the desk of the judge where he lay hammering my dignity and I see my mother dying every moment and my father exiting the hall as he can’t see me going through this trauma again and again.
Day 120: the judge asking me about what I wanted to do with these men and I cried out loud castration. The hall went silent and the judge said its inhuman, its anti law, it’s anti humanity. I asked him what he did to me was that all this, it wasn’t. I would want him to be raped but in this life time he can’t imagine what I am feeling. Why is our law so easy on criminals, he was sentenced for 7 years.
Day 1941: my parents were trying to find me a match but I refused to keep this incident a secret, the man needs to accept me like that. No man understood me. All hypocrites, I hated all men but still craving for the care and respect by them.
Day 1983: I heard my molester was out and it had only been 5 years. I was angry beyond repair and rapist out for good behavior. Where was that judge now who was telling me about law? My message for him was ‘dude he would obviously have good behavior, a straight rapist I a jail full of men where the hell would he force his devastation in an all men cell????’ I am pretty sure the stupid judge whose degrees have no importance in front of me would have no answer to this.
Day 1984: the molester is back to his family living happily and may be planning another rape. I still lonely, loveless, support less, abused, deranged, distressed, abandoned, hopeless, hurt, tired and unanswered.

A Change

We read we see we discuss and we also get frustrated

Social bullshit, force, unruly rights, expectation and finally loss of freedom

Seeing kids begging, seeing older people dying and seeing women raped in shit holes...

Then we see our lives- our problems, our needs

Get married, have children, get a decent job, good grades and also save money

These are such small problems when compared to other social evils of the world

And still we cry and howl as if it’s the end of the world

We only squirm and shout but who will make the change, it has to be us

For that we first need to help ourselves

Stand up to your parents about your thought and your beliefs

If you can’t make your parents understand about your freedom

How will you help others??

If your heart isn't willing enough for yourself you cant hold anyone in your arms and promise you care

Try to be you first and then try to make someone else you

Live your own life; don’t help someone so that they can live your aspiration.

MAKE THE CHANGE. BE THE CHANGE.

AGAIN

Another no, but it feels like my first every time I get one,

Hopes get shattered and tears drop in sprints of water,

I shout and I curse myself and ask god why,

For days and nights I cry,

For days and nights I cut myself in agony of my being,

For days and nights I ask god why me,

For days I nights I think where did I miss,

For days and nights I promise myself I will give up, this was the last time.

The next morning I again put my bag-pack on my shoulder and I start walking,

Again I open a new book to start the same story but this time with a different step,

Again I start writing with my old pen but with new ink, hoping this time it would be right.

Again I fold my hands in pray and bribe my god for success,

Again I promise myself this would be the last time I try!

What do Men Want?????

I always thought you wanted someone special

someone special who was more than average and less then mad

i dont know what you got

but what i got was identity crisis

before i met you i was confused on what do men want

after meeting you i felt i was doing right

and now when all of its over i wonder what i want

they say love changes it all

hell yeah it does, it changed me

i just want to know one answer and then i thought every woman may think the same

do a man want a woman like me? no no he wants something who is totally opposite

as Alan said in two and a half men 'I am great with kids and old people, its just English speaking adults i have a problem with'

i think same is with women-  they are great with men half and double their age but when it comes to men their age they have no fucking idea

seeing a few friends of mine, male friends... i saw a pattern which was shocking

and changed my perception, mind it for the bad, completely

men just want women who can set them straight

they don't want women who are cool and let them do whatever, coz they will do it anyway

they want moomies... so women be cool but be a dud to make them stay

if u dont wanna change be happy be single be you...

ruining ur mood, signing off

from the ugly truth... Kady Gerald Butler

Scared

I am so scared
Not from Mortality
Not from Death
Not from Failure
Not from Blood
I am so scared
Not of Gluttony
Not of Sin
Not of Mirth
Not of Hubris
I am so scared
Not of Life
Not of Death
Not of Betrayal
Not to Trust
I am so scared


Scared of God, The things that's unseen
That thing with power, ruining and making lives
Who decides what's right, who decides what's wrong?
It's my life, I should own it but I don't.


As a child my mother forced me to join my hands and pray to that thing in the sky
I still do the same, as habits die hard
I have done nothing wrong , but still I am paying and undeserving
Why should I pray anymore?
Who the hell is up there, why doesn't it show itself


I am scared, if it is there it would punish me.

Whom should I believe in now????

Rage is my passion

Rage is my antagonist

Rage is my healer

Rage is my God

Pure is my heart

Pure is my drug

Pure is my saviour

Pure is Nature

Life is Harsh

Life is pain

Life is regret

Life is meant to fall

Black is my soul

Red are my tears

Purple is my agony

White is your lie

No one can save me

I pray to my destroyer to take me away

He laughs at my misery and lets me stay

Whom should I believe in now????

My life is a satanic journey and I will live it somehow.

Just a Little Spark in the Dark

I was wandering in the night, to find that spark in the dark;

The closer I came towards finding it, my hopes and dreams towards it exceeded.

I didn't even recognize that spark, but i had an opinion that wasn't getting fulfilled;

To fulfill that spark I lost the precious things that came to my way.

I was a fool but I didn't realize it then, even if I did I didn't accepted it;

The leaves start to fade away and winter started crawling in my skin, but there was no sign of that spark in the dark.

The glow of every spark was dim, straight, casual and condescending;

The bright spark that I wanted had vanished as the world had turned darker by the passing of time.

By the time I had realized this it was too late, I ended my quest to find that spark in the dark;

But I still will wait but I won't let it fool me anymore.